It's so hard
It hurts so much
I don't how to put this into words
but my heart literally feels broken
I don't know how I exactly feel towards all this
But one thing i do know (and for the record, I'm crying as I'm typing this >< ) that the Lord will PROVIDE ;~; My dad and my step mom... they tear me up into pieces.

They don't support me when it comes to school. There's this thing called "National Honors Society" (NHS) and it's where only people with a 4.0GPA can be in it, and it has all these benefits in it concerning college. (Like scholarships, doing community service, etc) But because, OF COURSE, every time I talk to them about "last minute" junk my step mom gets PISSED. Long story short, they wont let me do it.

My dad even said it himself at the beginning of the conversation, "I'm not going to support you." big WOW, right? ;___;
oh great, my mom just called me (on phone)... of course I could barely hold my tears in, but she noticed >.< I don't want my mom to know. (there's bad history with her knowing this x_x I don't want her to call my dad randomly and say a bunch of things... then I GET THE BLAME. >< )
I probably worried my mom ;-;'!!!!

Then my step mom jumped into the conversation, she said "and you Rick -my dad- might suddenly have to pick her up at the last minute, because so and so couldn't get her, then you see Ayla -me- I can't ever spend time with my husband and blahblahblah, blah blahhh blahh" (something like that) and then she went on to say something like, "He's never there for me, he's busy and I don't get to see him" under my breath(whispering) I responded, "sounds familiar ;_x'"

I totally boasted about getting into NHS. I shouldn't have said anything at all, it doesn't matter though, I just real excited and thankful I got invited to something like that.

You know, the only time my dad will ever do something for me... ;__; is when I'm told horribly bad news, I have to be FRICKING DYING for him to pull himself out of his job
That I can see God's cursed him over (dad and step mom are in debt. and it's no wonder to me because of their total ungodliness and ignorance of the Lord God) .. I have to be dying for him to start showing he cares for me. There's so much corruption I see that Satan has done to this side of the family, and it grieves me so much. I feel even worse for my little sister. She isn't even allowed to see my grandparents. My little sister grew up never knowing them, and now my grandpa's in the hospital dying. Man, those are just a couple examples of the things that are so wrong.

I asked my dad, "What does exasperate mean?" He told me it meant "to frustrate." Then I asked, "What does embitter mean?" He said he didn't really know and told me to look it up in the dictionary.

You know why I asked that?
It is written: "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." (Colossians 3:21) and "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

M-w.com says embitter means "expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret " and exasperate " to excite the anger of : enrage; to cause irritation or annoyance to; to make more grievous: aggravate"

He does that to me... they both do it.
Every time I come home to this house, (it's not a home at all) it feels so empty. The appearance is too plain, I always say we need more of those "LIVE LAUGH LOVE" signs hanging around. The atmosphere feels negative... I feel like if anyone's happy, I'm the only happy, and when I am happy, their negativity weighs me down. I don't like it here...

Then my step mom went off into a rage, since how I always decide things for myself, they have no say, blahblahblah, she doesn't trust me (so I'm a liar in my words? ;_; maybe in the past, but since girl has the love of the LORD in her heart!) as she exploded, I just lowered my head down and sobbed and wept. It's not easy to forgive on your own, or ask God to open up their hearts. Really, it's all His work, I'm no good, my heart is filled with all kinds of evil. I was born in sin, now that I am "born again" through Christ, I see these things now. and I'm thankful for that. But it hurts...I just prayed to Him. I told Him how awesome He is, and God is great, He's going to help me, one day I'll be out of here. HIS WILL BE DONE. Then I felt tremendously better.

Instead of dwelling on the thoughts of death and dying of cancer that came to mind, I fought them off by remembering God's mercy and grace. I don't want to be doing the things I used to do in my old way of living... my old self is dead, the new has come! I'm new in Christ. He's making me stronger... when I am weak, I am strong. Because of the cross... Yeah, I say I can do all things.

anyway...I don't want to die... while my step mom accused me of junk like being selfish, when she has no idea why I want to be in NHS (which is not a selfish reason, but to throw pearls to the dogs would make them just stumble over them and turn and tear you to pieces)


It also says in the Bible.. " Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." (Eph. 6:1) To what extent? Is what I questioned... but I don't think it matters. (unless it goes against God) Even if you're under an evil leader, unless it goes against God, you have to obey it. No matter how stupid it is. Because God put them there, and it's for a reason, even if it sucks >< I don't know. Although this is hard, if I can do this right (though I want to scream) God will be pleased and will reward me for this work. 'A worker deserves their wages'

I DON'T UNDERSTANDDD OR KNOWW WHYYY
BUT I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO COME THROUGH FOR ME.
Jesus always has, He always will, just wait He'll do it. In His timing, 'cause it's the perfect timing. All the time I don't know what I'm doing anyway. God needs to do this, because I have no idea what to do. x_X in the mean time... i'm just going to be humble about it...

* On the brighter now, I passed all four of the TAKS tests (Science, Math, Eng, History) WHICH I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I PASSED ALL FOUR ON ONE TRY. X___X It makes no sense! God made an educational miracle for me. ;~; I wasn't even going to make any effort on the Math test, but when they handed it to me, I had a feeling I SHOULD make an effort. When I didn't know an answer, I prayed, and God graciously had me answer correctly. x___x I'm just so glad I'm done with TAKS forever...